Four times unlucky

Welcome to my blog and thank you for taking the time to read this.

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I’m currently going through my forth loss (third miscarriage). Or maybe not. We are waiting for another scan to confirm fetal demise. So, sitting here in limbo, I feel numb. Because no matter if the doctor tells you not to have any hope, one teeny tiny bit of your heart wants to believe they’re wrong. After all, I still have all the pregnancy symptoms. I feel pregnant and I act pregnant, avoiding all the dangerous things: alcohol, caffeine, exercise, etc. But they’re right the other times and I had to learn to accept the death of my babies while my body stubbornly wouldn’t let them go.

The hardest thing about being the fourth time is all your family and friends disappear. They were there the first time, calling and messaging and showing up to see how you are. Now, the fact that I lost another baby and I’m grieving is simply status quo, so why bother, for sure I can handle, right? These past two years of loss after loss I’ve felt very lonely and unsupported. But this time is the worse.

And that’s how I came to think that maybe writing my feelings and thoughts down can be healing. Just like it helped me so much when I found other infertility and miscarriage blogs and started silently following them. Maybe no one will read this, but even if that is the case, I’ll keep it as a personal journal. And if it helps make even one person less lonely, it’s more than I can hope for.

I’m working on a series of posts telling in details my story so far and I’ll be posting it soon. But I might just post some more present thoughts as it goes.

Just a final comment, I apologise if I make lots of language mistakes, English is not my mother tongue.

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28 thoughts on “Four times unlucky

  1. I am so sorry that you’ve had to deal with so much loss. Miscarriages are just heartbreaking. I don’t know if you follow them already, but a few blogs you may want to follow are: My Perfect Breakdown, A Calm Persistence, and Surviving Infertility. Sending you prayers and hugs during this extremely difficult time.

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  2. Welcome to the community…I am so incredibly sorry for the loss you are experiencing as we speak and also for the other losses you have endured. I hope you can find a source of comfort and strength here, knowing you are not alone in this battle. Thinking of you during this totally heartbreaking and unfair time.

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  3. After my first loss I started out as a “silent follower” too, then one day decided to write all my feelings out and it felt so good. I go through periods where I won’t write for a few weeks and thoughts fly in and out of my head but in general I’ve enjoyed having this outlet. And the support and knowledge from others can be so wonderful. I hope writing helps you feel better and gives you a release from what are incredibly stressful experiences. I’m so sorry you’ve been through these losses and are having these troubles.

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    • Thank you. I’m so sorry for your losses too. I never commented on your blog when I was a silent follower, but just wanted to say I rooted for your pregnancy to work out, and that post you announced it wouldn’t really touched my heart and I felt for you. I feel blogging is already helping me, by sorting out some of my thoughts instead of having them running in circles in my mind. I hope we can support each other in our difficult times.

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  4. I have been a silent follower as well since my first loss. I started to get a little braver after the second and comment on a few blogs. Now, after my third loss, I am much more active, and I appreciate everyone in this community, even if we are at different stages in our journeys. I am not much of a writer but I try to share my feelings and updates occasionally. It’s been helpful to have the outlet when needed. I, too, feel like my friends and family are much less supportive now that I’ve experienced three miscarriages. I hope we can support you through these trying times. Thank you for sharing.

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    • Thank you. I’m still a bit shocked how many responses I’m getting and how nice everyone is. I really thought no one would care for my ramblings, but I just really needed to get these thoughts out so they wouldn’t be running in circles in my mind anymore. I hope to get to know you better and be able to help you too on your difficult times.

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  5. Hello. I’m so sorry to read your story, I really am. I’ve been through five miscarriages myself and understand how overwhelmingly difficult all of this is xx

    You will definitely find enormous support from all of us who blog – whether you just need to vent or to ask questions, the women I’ve met on here are exceptional and will be there for you whenever you need them.

    I’m very happy to help at all on any reproductive immunology questions which you might have, I saw you mentioned that on your blog. I’m being treated by a specialist at the moment and have had pretty much every drug/treatment under the sun to try and help, so if you’re thinking about that at all, or just want someone to listen, please feel free to drop me a line on tryagainbloglady@hotmail.com. Sending lots of love xx

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    • Thank you so much for reaching out! The support here has been amazing already. I really appreciate your offer about the RI, because I’ve been thinking that in case they still don’t refer me to the (only) specialist in RPL here this time, I’ll look for a private specialist elsewhere, and I’ve seen there are some in the UK. So I might come back to you later regarding your doctors contact information. Hope you don’t mind sharing.

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  6. Welcome to the blog world. I am glad you have shared your story with us. I turned to blogging as a way to connect and learn. It has been tremendous. I hope you find that strength as well.

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  7. I am very sorry for your losses and the loss of support. I know that experience of family not even asking and saying stupid ass crap like “hopefully next time” when after 8 losses the elusive next time seemed pretty unlikely barring a miracle (or costly immunological testing and treatment as it turned out). I stopped telling my own family to be honest. What was the point. Recurrent pregnancy loss is so profoundly lonely and isolating. I am so very sorry you’re in this minority club to which no one wants to or would choose to belong. Sending you as much peace and gentle kindness as I can muster.

    Have the docs done immune testing on you and your partner by the way?

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