Welcome to my blog and thank you for taking the time to read this.
I’m currently going through my forth loss (third miscarriage). Or maybe not. We are waiting for another scan to confirm fetal demise. So, sitting here in limbo, I feel numb. Because no matter if the doctor tells you not to have any hope, one teeny tiny bit of your heart wants to believe they’re wrong. After all, I still have all the pregnancy symptoms. I feel pregnant and I act pregnant, avoiding all the dangerous things: alcohol, caffeine, exercise, etc. But they’re right the other times and I had to learn to accept the death of my babies while my body stubbornly wouldn’t let them go.
The hardest thing about being the fourth time is all your family and friends disappear. They were there the first time, calling and messaging and showing up to see how you are. Now, the fact that I lost another baby and I’m grieving is simply status quo, so why bother, for sure I can handle, right? These past two years of loss after loss I’ve felt very lonely and unsupported. But this time is the worse.
And that’s how I came to think that maybe writing my feelings and thoughts down can be healing. Just like it helped me so much when I found other infertility and miscarriage blogs and started silently following them. Maybe no one will read this, but even if that is the case, I’ll keep it as a personal journal. And if it helps make even one person less lonely, it’s more than I can hope for.
I’m working on a series of posts telling in details my story so far and I’ll be posting it soon. But I might just post some more present thoughts as it goes.
Just a final comment, I apologise if I make lots of language mistakes, English is not my mother tongue.