With every loss, I want answers, I want explanations, I want doctors to say why this happened and how to fix it. They don’t offer any reasons why. All they keep repeating is: just bad luck. That makes me especially angry. Isn’t it bad luck when someone gets melanoma? But won’t the doctors run tests and treat it anyways? Isn’t it bad luck when someone has a car accident? But won’t the doctors help this person regardless of their luck? So why is it only with pregnancy loss that “bad luck” is an acceptable diagnosis? I want all tests and all possible treatments available. I want, no, I need to know I’m giving my babies their best chance.
I think I know the reason doctors believe it’s enough to say “just bad luck” regarding pregnancy loss. It’s because they follow it with a “just try again”. They can’t say just try again to someone with melanoma or whom has had a car accident. What doctors don’t seem to realise though, is that trying again is not so easy. Sure, physically it can be fine. But, at least in my case, I feel that each loss takes away a little piece of my heart and of my soul. And I don’t know what the limit is, before there’s nothing left. I hope I’ll know when to stop before it’s too late, but I’m afraid I won’t see the signs, so desperate I’m to have a living, healthy baby in my arms.
In my last ultrasound, while I sat across the doctor, hearing she repeat this baby I’m still carrying will not survive, I couldn’t hold my tears. To console me, she reminded us that we still have 6 frozen blastocysts. I know she meant well and I’m grateful for my little embies. But all I could think about at that moment was: I can’t go through this 6 times more! There will be nothing left of myself by the end of it! And that is what most doctors can’t understand, because only those who have felt this kind of heartache understands.
I know we all hear stories of these very strong women who had 14 miscarriages or even 28 (!!!). I admire their resilience, no doubt, but everyone’s limit is different and as long as you can handle, sure, keep trying. I never thought I could have 4 losses either, so maybe I can do it 6 more times, I don’t know. What I’m certain of is that my soul would suffer, my marriage would suffer, my carrier would suffer. How much suffering is acceptable before it isn’t worth it anymore?
It’s easy to acknowledge that I have had trouble trusting doctors these past years. When they refused to give me answers, I started searching for them myself. I read blogs and articles and scientific papers and whatever I could put my hands on regarding recurrent miscarriage. I sought a second and a third opinion. But since I had one ectopic pregnancy and two missed miscarriages, I didn’t fit the criteria, so only basic testing was done.
I became obsessed with immunological reasons for recurrent miscarriage and was convinced it was my issue. I still think it can be the issue and I’m hoping I’ll finally get some testing in this area soon. But back then, there’s nothing I could do on my own without a doctors approval on this matter, so I had to turn elsewhere.
I bought and read “It starts with the egg”, from Rebecca Fett. Cleaning myself and my house of toxins became my new obsession, along with vitamins and supplements. I strictly followed the author’s recommendation of stripping the kitchen off of any plastics. It wasn’t easy, I must say. I also changed all my personal hygiene products and house cleaning products to natural ones. My new mantra became: not put on myself anything I wouldn’t put in myself. Of course, I also followed the suggestions for vitamins and supplements. All of this without the supervision of my doctor. I’m not proud of it (I’m actually ashamed) nor I recommend anyone doing this. I tried asking my doctor which vitamins and supplements could help me, and all they recommended was folic acid. They clearly said there was nothing I could take to improve my eggs’ quality. I simply disagree with that statement.
All of that was implemented (together with the obvious no alcohol, no caffeine, no exercise) months before this pregnancy was conceived. But it still failed. Not that I’ll go back to the plastics and all that, but I need something new to obsess about. Something to give me hope and a little sense of control over any of this. I know it’s irrational, but if doctors won’t give me that glimpse of “let’s try this new something, maybe it will work”, I go looking for it myself.
And my latest obsession is MTHFR mutation. I’ve read many blogs and articles connecting it to recurrent miscarriages. I don’t know if I have the gene or not and I don’t think the doctors here will accept my request for testing for it, since studies on this are not yet conclusive. So again, I decided to take measures on my own hands and ordered a personal genome test online (23andme). Regardless of the results, the “treatment” is very simple, so I’ll follow it no matter what. It consists of taking bio-active forms of B-complex vitamins, instead of the usual ones. I’ve already ordered a new pre-natal multi-vitamin with these bio-active substances to substitute the one I’m taking now.
Rationally thinking, I know probably it won’t help. But if it can’t hurt, I’ll try. And I’ll keep trying until stopping is the only option.