No miracles today

  
There will be no miracles today. At least not in this family. 

The scan has shown no signs of development since a week ago and the gestational sac still seemed empty (I guess that’s what is called a blighted ovum? Doctors didn’t use this terminology though). 

I didn’t get to confirm or discard my fear. The doctor wouldn’t even zoom in into the sac to check if a fetal pole had developed. She went straight too, it’s to small, it’s not viable, we need to remove it as soon as possible. She seems to not be a big fan of I’m sorry‘s. The best I got out of her with my tears was a it’s normal that you feel sad. Thanks, I thought so, not everyone has a stone heart like yours. 

There will be no chromosomal testing either. Doctor claims pregnancy isn’t developed enough for that (I thought the sac would have the same chromosomes as the embryo, so could be tested? I guess I’m wrong). 

So the decision is another medical abortion with Cytotec. To be performed at home. Alone. As usual…

I managed to convince the doctor to draw our blood for the RPL testing today. One small victory. Better wait for the results before asking for the referral to the specialist clinic. One step at a time. 

Looking at the drugs on my hands, too many difficult memories come to mind. I try to push them away (and ignore my fear) and focus on what needs to be accomplished. I decided it’s best to do it Friday. Until then, I’ll prepare for it: stock up the fridge, cook some meals, clean the bathroom and pick some movies on Netflix, to distract me in the time after inserting the pills, while waiting for the bleeding to start. Any suggestions? 

On a funnier note, I got the painkillers in suppository form this time (not by choice). I’m becoming an expert in shoving things up my vagina, so why not try the back side too, right?!

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37 thoughts on “No miracles today

  1. I’m so sorry. My only tip is daytime tv (I have TLC… very good for taking the mind off it, total trash!) And some good books. I like gory crime thrillers like Tess Gerritsen. But mainly, rest and sleep. And chocolate. I hope that you are okay. At least, I know you aren’t… I’m thinking of you and sending you hugs xx

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    • Thank you. Im trying to stay strong… I agree TLC is the best to turn off the brain, but we canceled cable as we weren’t watching it much and could use the money… I love a good thriller too, have you tried Scandinavian writers, like Stig Larsson or Jo Nesbø? They’re really good. There are some great Danish and Swedish thriller TV series too, like The killing (Forbrydelsen) or The bridge (Bro/Broen), I think they’re quite popular in the UK. Have you seen them?

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      • Ah. We get it really cheap here. I think my package was like £2 extra a month that includes TLC, E! and the Comedy channel. We have freeview here which is free!
        I’ve read Larsson and Nesbo. I recently discovered Christina Ohlsson – she’s good. Has about 4 books I think.
        We have those serials here but I’m not so good at watching tv as I am at reading! Really I prefer reading. If I’m cake making I watch tv, but easy stuff I don’t have to concentrate on!

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      • You definitely can. Tess Gerritsen’s Rizzoli and Isles series is great – it has two strong females as leads. Read them in order if you can. Also if you like random dark humour I would recommend Helen Fitzgerald (she’s Scottish and does funny ones on female friendship and crime) or Tamar Cohen (really good quality chick lit for people who don’t like chick lit!). X

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  2. I am so sorry. And I hate to say this because I know there is not much you can do, but she is completely wrong, you can absolutely test what’s there (I had a blighted ovum tested once to show it the baby carried T14 – which was very important because we needed to be karyotyped to see if we were genetic carriers).
    When I miscarry at home, I often choose to read really trashy romance novels. Or decorating magazines. And schedule a massage for myself for afterwards. So many hugs to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you… I guess it’s the downside to public health care, they don’t feel like they need to be nice to you… Or I don’t know, another cultural difference (doctors in my home country are much more caring, I miss that).

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  3. I am so very very sorry. Sending you some cyber hugs. And how horrible to have doctors that don’t care! I know the pain of doctors not taking you seriously for testing and being told to just try again. I got very lucky in that I stumbled upon the diagnosis of my immune issues (due to a false positive on a different test taken for unrelated reasons. It’s quite another story of how I had to convince doctors that the test result absolutely cannot be true and so armed with research had to demand and coax them to find the real cause!) So I know how frustrating and painful it is to deal with doctors that are not looking out for your best! Hang in there dear friend! You are strong to have come this far and for reaching out for support online. I wish you the very best and better luck :/ in the future! For now please be kind to yourself and kick, scream, eat tubs of ice cream and whatever it takes to lessen the grief.

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  4. Really, really sorry for you. I don’t understand why some medical staff cannot be sympathetic at times of great distress. It’s not hard, doesn’t cost a thing but might make the person on the receiving end feel just that little bit slightly less bad. *hugs*

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  5. I’m so sorry.. The only advice I have is to show yourself grace. You’re stronger than you know. Also, we had chromosomal testing done on the sac.. There was a yolk sac, but no fetal pole and I was only measuring just over 5wks, but was 8wks along). They gave me a ‘products of conception’ container and I caught the sac in a strainer at home, put it in the the container and they were able to test it. Wondering if your doctor isn’t taking this seriously.. Big hugs.. I’ll be thinking of you.

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    • Thank you, I’m tying to be kind to myself. We also only saw a gestational sac with a yolk sac and no fetal pole. The other doctor (first scan) measured it at around 5-5.5 weeks. I should be 8w4d today. I was hoping to do exactly as you described, collect the sac myself at home and take it to the hospital for analysis. But when I suggested it to the doctor, she dismissed me immediately and was quite defensive, almost aggressive, about it. She said, there’s no fetus!, there’s nothing to test!, very rudely. I felt hurt about how she was talking about my baby. So I didn’t insist again. I’m so tired of fighting doctors, it’s so hard, I just wanted some answers… Thank you for your words of encouragement.

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      • I’m not sure where you’re located, but sometimes countries outside of the U.S. do not take this seriously. I think it would be important to find a new doctor, she sounds absolutely terrible, not up on the latest research, and like she knows best. I hate that she refuses to listen to you because you’re right, that can be tested. After my first 3 miscarriages I’m very cautious with doctors and have trust issues. I remember being so angry after my 3rd bc that doctor refused testing too! There was even a HB at one point AND they did the D&E. Why wouldn’t they just test it?!? I’m still mad about that! I’m sorry because I know how hard it is when a doctor is uncooperative and won’t listen. 😦

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      • My 3rd was measuring right on track with a heartbeat at 7w, at 10w we found out he stopped developing only a few days after that ‘perfect’ scan. They refused testing then because they said was ‘only’ my second miscarriage (my 1st loss was ectopic) so there’s no reason to worry. Now it’s the 3rd missed miscarriage and they still refuse testing.
        It’s not easy for me to switch doctors here (I live in Scandinavia), since the health care is public (which is good and I’m grateful for having IVF virtually for free, but there are drawbacks too) and there aren’t many private choices.
        I’m starting to look abroad, in case I don’t get a referral to the only RPL specialist in the country.
        I wrote to my GP if there’s anything she can do regarding the testing (she’s nice and compassionate, unlike the RE), it’s my last hope before tomorrow.

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  6. Also, just wanted to add, with that pregnancy we found out exactly what was wrong and that it was not genetic, which really helped us come to a bit of peace. There was a problem with chromosome #7. We also found out that our baby was a boy. All that from the sac and the baby never developed. Maybe do some research and try to call the dr out on it. I think all the facts you can gather will lead you closer to a solution and will be helpful.

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  7. I am so so sorry to hear this. My regular OB also told me we couldn’t test the baby to see if it was genetic but when I met with the RE he said if there is a next time he will test, and he wished we had the results of the previous miscarriages. It’s so frustrating when doctors don’t stay up on the research or don’t care to help out their patients. I am glad you got the RPL testing and I think you should push for the specialist referral. Hopefully your GP can help you with that.

    And having done all three of my miscarriages with Cytotec, I can relate. A couple of Netflix shows I like are House of Cards and Grey’s Anatomy, and I’ve heard great things about Orange is the New Black. Hope it goes smoothly, it’s such an unpleasant experience.

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    • Thank you. I hate when doctors say a medical abortion is just like a heavy period. It’s so far from the truth, in my experience. Last time it was so hard, I was already on the 12th week, baby didn’t make it to 8 weeks though. I’m hoping this time, being my earliest, will be easier…
      And I’ll keep on insisting on the specialist referral. I just want some answers…

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  8. I’m so sorry hun. I’ve never had my losses at home, I’ve always had a D&E so I can’t relate to the physical experience. But I agree with all of the previous comments about finding a new doctor – if your doctor isn’t taking this seriously you need to find one that will. Don’t be afraid to see who else is out there and ask for referrals. I am glad you are at least getting the RPL bloodwork but if she isn’t taking you seriously she may not even take the results seriously.
    As for Netflix, I love it myself… try Orange is the New Black if you haven’t already (it can be graphic at times, just a warning…) during my last pregnancy I was on a Gilmore Girls kick, and prior to that was old school Beverly Hills 90210… also love The Good Wife, Veep, and Arrested Development.
    XXX.

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    • Thanks. I think you’re right, she doesn’t take it seriously enough. I’ll be insisting on the referral to the specialist and hope for a better care soon.
      I love Orange is the new black too, only I’ve already watched all the seasons… Thanks for the tips and for your encouragement.

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  9. Hi, I am so sorry for your losses. There are no words that I could say that would help you… I was just wondering if the doctors have offered you progesterone?? A friend of mine had 6 miscarriages (she is Russian but lives here in Scotland).. in Russia, nearly everyone who is pregnant gets it but they dont get it here. Anyone, on her 7th pregnancy she DEMANDED progesterone and 9 months later she had a healthy baby boy!
    Try not lose hope.. she kept hers (I have no idea how, she’s much stronger than me) and she finally got her baby.
    Good luck to you and thinking of you through this tough time!

    Also.. Harlan Coben is also a pretty good author, and check out Grimm for a boxset 🙂

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