It’s over

 

Source: gratisography.com

 
After a very long day at the hospital, it’s over. I’m a little relieved for finally managing this miscarriage, but mostly I feel empty. I no longer carry my baby. I’m no longer pregnant. Over. Back to square one.  

I’m not yet ready to start again. I’m not yet ready to give up. I stand here in between, grieving, hoping, feeling defeated, feeling sad, feeling normal. My new normal, that is. Locked in this endless cycle of pregnancy, fear, loss, grief, hope. 

This time, however, is different. I don’t have the anger I used to carry around all the time. Angry at doctors, angry at life, angry at the unfairness of it all, angry at myself. Instead of anger I feel a growing indifference. Is that what acceptance feels like? I had expected it to feel better, to fill my void…

It doesn’t mean I have given up. Far from it. I’m determined to see a specialist willing to treat me and I have 6 blastocysts waiting for their chance to grow.

What I seem to have given up on is my all-consuming fight mode, living on a thread of hope that if I just hang on for a little longer, everything will be ok in a very short while. It won’t. I realise now I have a very long way ahead of me and I need to conserve my energies. As in a difficult long hike, I’ll keep placing on foot in front of the other, for as long as necessary; navigating towards the destination, but remembering to enjoy the way; dealing with unexpected challenges as they come and taking a resting break when needed. 

I’ll keep going, with the support of my amazing husband and the love of the 4 babies I forever carry in my heart. 

***********

In case you’re wondering how it went yesterday, I’ll give a short account. I showed up at the hospital at 8 a.m., had my blood taken and waited for my appointment at 9 a.m.  

The doctor scanned me again and could see my uterine lining was still very thick, with most of it up high and not looking like it would come down. My HCG level rose again yesterday to 3200, from 2800 on Sunday. So, after the third dose of misoprostol, my HCG continued to climb.

I was then admitted at 9.30 a.m., to have the evacuation in the afternoon. A very long, very tiring, very anxious wait followed. I was finally taken to surgery at 6.30 p.m.. The doctor said it all went well and he only used suction (though no scan guidance). He sent the pregnancy tissue to the lab for testing (not chromosomal testing, I understood he wants to confirm the pregnancy is not molar), but he expects everything to be fine. 

I will have no more HCG monitoring and no follow-up scan (definitely disappointed about these things), he only told me to take a HPT in 3 weeks time and if it’s still positive they’ll investigate more. I’m not very happy with this approach, would have liked to see that HCG drop all the way to zero, especially as it was still rising (??!!) after 3 doses of Cytotec.

That’s it, according to doctors all is fine and over with. Time to focus on my emotional recovery. 

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17 thoughts on “It’s over

  1. So sorry for your loss. So many of the things you write about grief, anger and trying to cope ring so true they brought tears to my eyes. RPL is an evil worse than I ever could have imagined in my life, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Only the strongest of women can persevere through this hell, and you are definitely one of them.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry for your losses. I would want more HCG tests too to make sure it’s going down. Maybe you could call and insist? But only if you feel up to it. I remember being in a very similar place…knowing I wasn’t ready to give up but feeling so tired of loss and heartache. I have a friend who lost five babies but just kept trying, kept putting one foot in front of the other and didn’t give up. She now has four healthy children on earth that wouldn’t be here if she had listened to the people who told her she was crazy for trying again. Her story always gave me hope. Your rainbow is coming.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good grief. I can’t believe they aren’t checking your hCG levels to ensure they drop. Can you lie and say you’re waiting to schedule a new IVF cycle and need to know when you can expect a bleed? Maybe that’s not practical. Just grasping at straws for you. That is what I did to get my level monitored after my last D&E. It was true about doing an IVF cycle but I did not really *have* to know when my hCG hit rock bottom and I could expect CD1 though that was nice as it gave me a little notice.

    Anyway… This is all terribly rotten and I’m very sorry you’re in this lousy position to begin with.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Right??!! I really don’t get these doctors! One moment they’re all looking confused and scared because my HCG level is still rising after 3 doses of misoprostol, the next moment they’re saying it’s unnecessary to monitor HCG after a D&E. What??!!

      Then he came with this molar talk… I don’t know what to make of it! Should I worry about choriocarcinoma?? I didn’t even think it was possible to have a molar pregnancy with IVF because they should check how many pronuclei each zygote has… And they told me so many times that they couldn’t karyotype this pregnancy because it was a blighted ovum, and now they’re sending the tissue to the lab… Can they be sure it’s not molar without karyotyping?

      Did you ever experienced your HCG still rising during an active miscarriage? Any ideas how that would be possible? Should I be worried? With my other miscarriages, it was already dropping before I took Cytotec.

      I think I’m gonna call my GP and ask her to check my HCG level… She’s been nice and she’s a little worried about my mental state, so maybe I can convince her I need it for my peace of mind…

      Sorry for throwing all these questions at you, I just feel so confused right now, it’s hard to move on…

      Liked by 1 person

      • My first pregnancy and first miscarriage I took misoprostol (cytotec) and bled and suffered. Then my hCG levels went down. Then up. No one talked of molar pregnancy. They just said I needed surgery as my body still believed I was pregnant because I had retained some of “the products of conception”. So 17 days after the original miso-induced miscarriage I had to get my first D&E. (Nice way to prolong the agony, I know). I asked myself if they had made a mistake and my baby wasn’t really dead in the first place but I never wondered about malignant tissue as thankfully nobody was stupid enough to plant that seed in my mind. I’m sorry you have this fear now added to your other misery. I expect the drugs just never touched your implanted embryo so the hCG could go up. Also were those betas processed at the same or different labs?

        Please do ask your GP and explain your worry as well as how this is affecting you psychologically. I asked for sleeping pills after my last D&E (at 11 weeks) because I hadn’t slept in ages and didn’t want to take antidepressants as I was extended breastfeeding our first son and I was still determined to try to get and stay pregnant some day with a second living child. If I ever felt now like I did after that loss I would ask for anti depressants. No more playing hero for me. I’m just saying, if you start feeling like you can’t sleep or this is all too much please don’t feel badly asking for help. I am sorry it has been so awful.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sorry you had to go through that. But hearing you story really gave me some peace of mind. I’ll try to forget these crazy ideas of molar or worse, wish the doctor hasn’t mentioned it. By the way, the betas were processed in the same lab, so there shouldn’t be an issue there.

        I’ve just emailed my GP and she understood and ordered me a beta for Monday. I’m much more relieved now. I hope to see it drop 50%, then I’ll be sure it’s really over. Fingers crossed this agony will be over soon.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Just to caution you, it always took ages for my beta hCG levels to drop to <5. Usually 6-7 weeks. So don't be alarmed if that happens though since your loss was quite early it may drop faster which would be nice. I always found the limbo periods quite hard emotionally as there didn't seem to be any real closure until I bled again and started a new cycle. I'm so glad your GP is helping out and that you're feeling calmer though I'm sure you are sad and will be for a while. I hope you get answers and that referral you're vying for.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so sorry how prolonged this all was for you. I identify so much with the “empty” feeling and the in between grieving and limbo. I feel very similar right now except I have a lot of anger inside (haven’t found a way to get rid of that yet.)
    I will say that, in my experience, I was never monitored for my hCG levels after any of my procedures. I have always had a follow up post operative appointment with my doctors about two weeks after each procedure and they did a physical exam and “emotional well being check” (my own words), but never once did they ever draw and hCG. After my first D&E it was eight weeks to the day before I got my period, and after my second it was about 5 1/2 weeks. Today marks four weeks since my third and I am still awaiting my period. So, as spiritbabycomehome said above, don’t be alarmed if it takes a month or two. I just want it to start so I can feel like my physical recovery is progressing too.

    Liked by 1 person

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