Not ok

 No, I’m not ok, despite the fake half smile and nod when you ask me, how are you?.

No, I’m not ok, stop asking me how I am, unless you want to see me burst into tears. 

No, I’m not ok, even though I’m trying to do my job as well as I can. 

No, I’m not ok, I can feel my body returning to normal, my breasts shrinking in size and reducing in tenderness, my belly deflating and my symptoms disappearing. 

No, I’m not ok, I don’t want to go out or socialise, I just want to hide away.

No, I’m not ok, I don’t feel or act pregnant anymore. 

No, I’m not ok, I can’t sleep much and when I do, bad dreams disturb my rest. 

No, I’m not ok and I cry whenever I’m alone and think about my baby, think about the past, worry about the future. 

No, I’m not ok, I’m empty. I want to be pregnant again. I want my baby back inside me, healthy and growing. I’ll not be ok without that.

Will I ever feel ok again?

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18 thoughts on “Not ok

  1. I really hear you. The lack of sleep (which has always afflicted me in times like this too and seems a chronic problem now… As though my sleeping mechanism broke with all the losses or something) has always struck me as so cruel. When we most need rest and quiet, gentle, thought-free time to recharge and recover physically (I don’t know if we ever fully recover emotionally from losing the children we so longed to hold and raise) we are instead sleepless or tortured in sleep as we are when awake. Different but the same. So cruel. My heart aches for you. I hope you ask for help if it gets to be too much or the sleep troubles go on much longer.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so sorry. It’s so hard to feel like things will never get better. I completely understand these feelings and it makes me sad to know others feel them as well. Sending you lots of love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m sorry you know this pain too. Pretending everything is fine takes so much energy, not much is left for taking care of ourselves and coping. I think it’s important to be true to our feelings at least some part of the day (in my case, when I’m at home alone or with my husband only). Hope you get some good days soon.

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