After a miscarriage I always find it hard to enjoy life again. I’ve heard from many people (especially my mom and my mother-in-law) that I must not give in to grief and just move forward. I think it’s unfair (and hurtful) to say such things, it’s not like I’m in bed crying all day for weeks. I force myself to function and fulfil my duties, but I can’t force myself to enjoy it. It’s simply not possible.
Before our baby’s death was confirmed, a good friend told me to think of things that bring me joy and do more of these. I thought that was a great advice. I just couldn’t think of anything. I remembered lots of things that used to make me happy, such as socialising and partying, I just don’t seem to enjoy them much recently.
Now it’s been almost 3 weeks since the D&E and I wanted to feel happy again. I want to try and enjoy life even amid all the RPL and infertility struggles. I want to remind myself life’s worth living.
With that in mind, my husband, a friend and I went yesterday to a tree top park. In my (rather short) list of things I still enjoy are hiking and being outdoors in nature. The only thing that really seems to recharge my energy is being surrounded by beautiful natural areas, so that was the main reason for choosing this park. I also generally enjoy pushing myself, testing my limits and tree topping is a lot about that (especially when I’m far from fit as I’m told not to exercise while pregnant or trying to conceive). I had tried one of these parks around 3 years ago and had a blast, so I was really excited about this Saturday.
The park was in a birch forest, which looked amazing with the Autumn colours. They had 6 different courses at up to 21 m high. The sun was shining, though the air was a little chill, and we’re off to a great start!
We first did course number 3, which was fairly easy and straight continued to course number 4. We were having a lot of fun and still not overly tired. We took a break to eat something and decide whether we should finish it off with number 5 or 6 (the higher the course number, the higher the level of difficulty).
I’m glad we ended up choosing number 5, because I certainly wouldn’t be able to finish number 6. I realised, in the middle of the course, that I might have exagerated a bit.
During pregnancy I was anemic and taking iron supplements, which probably only got worse with all the blood lost during the miscarriage. The first week after it, I was feeling weak and had some episodes when I started to feel as if I was going to faint and had to sit down. Pushing myself physically so much after less than 3 weeks since the miscarriage was maybe too much. However I found the strength to finish it and was glad about it!
We ended the day with a nice early dinner at a Mexican restaurant nearby and a victory margarita for myself. We had fun and even though I honestly didn’t feel like I was enjoying it as much as I’d hoped, I still think it was a good idea to try and do something fun, to try and find happiness again.
I’ll keep trying and keep choosing to be happy.