Dreams

  

I can probably count on my fingers the number of good nights of sleep I had these past 2 years of losses. Ever since my first pregnancy – which started with intermittent bleeding and doubts – I’ve suffered with insomnia, restless sleep and bad dreams.

I won’t say they’re nightmares, because they don’t involve monsters or other paranormal entities, but they certainly leave me with bad feelings lasting from hours to days. Some I haven’t forgotten about and jump back into my mind when I least expect.

I had such a dream again recently. It woke me up too early and made it impossible to fall asleep again. It hasn’t left my mind yet.

It was about my very dear friend. My best friend from here, where I currently live. The friend here whom I trust most, to whom I tell my deepest, darkest feelings and fears. My friend who is about 18 weeks pregnant with her second child. A child she conceived in the very first month she tried.

She told me about her pregnancy during the two-week-wait of my second IVF cycle. On the afternoon we were supposed to be celebrating my birthday. I knew she was trying and was expecting the news, just not that day, at that time. 

The moment she told me I just froze for some seconds. Too many seconds, most likely. All I could think about was: I’m going to get pregnant from this cycle, then I’ll loose this baby and I’ll get to watch her baby grow week by week, always wondering how far would I be, how my baby would be, never being able to let go. That was my biggest nightmare. And it came true weeks later.

Since my miscarriage we haven’t seen each other much. My fault. I’ve been avoiding social interaction in general and her company in particular. Which is totally unfair, as she has done nothing wrong. 

In the dream, we were at their place one evening. I was making small talk and so asked how was the baby doing. Her husband then replied, very nonchalantly: what baby? I got confused and looked at her prominent belly, trying to make sense of it. He continued: there’s no baby, don’t you know? My friend then said: we had another scan. There was no brain, so there’s no baby. I’m getting it removed. *

At this point, I was very confused and sad. Her husband kept repeating ‘there’s no baby’, so I told my friend, don’t listen to them, it’s your baby, it’s ok for you to love him like a baby and feel sad. But my friend looked at me as if I was crazy and said, don’t worry, it’s not a baby. Trust me, I have a baby, I know (referring to her first born). Then I woke up.

I know at first this dream seems to be about jealousy or if I wish bad upon my friends. I really don’t think it’s the case.

I think it’s about how so many people have downplayed my early pregnancies as ‘nothing’ that don’t deserved to be loved. How I struggled to let myself love my babies, no matter how early they died, whether they’re viable or not, chromosomally normal or not. I heard too many times from different people, it’s not meant to be, most likely the baby was not healthy and the miscarriage is a good thing. With the ectopic I also heard how lucky I was to survive it, I could have another baby later. With this last loss, many doctors repeated that there was no embryo, just an empty sac. In other words, there’s no baby, stop making a big deal out of nothing.

I listened to those advices before, with my first and second losses. It didn’t help me move forward faster, on the contrary, it only made me suffer more. I suppressed the grief and the love I had for my babies. So much love, I didn’t know what to do with it. So much love, but everyone kept insisting there was nothing to love.

I imagine I still have unresolved feelings on this matter, otherwise my subconscious wouldn’t be disturbing my sleep with such horrible dreams. There’s no unresolved feelings towards my babies, though. I love each and every one of them, and I don’t care if they had the right amount of chromosomes or not.

* I’m very very sorry if you have been through a similar situation, I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have a termination for medical reasons. I really hope I’m not offending anyone, it’s really not my intention, I’m simply recounting the dream as I had it, but it certainly doesn’t represent my option on the matter.

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15 thoughts on “Dreams

  1. I had to tfmr and let me start off by saying- you did not offend me. I was 15 weeks along and I heard the same things from people ‘the baby wasn’t normal- this was a good thing you found out, you’ll have anther baby’, ‘everything happens for a reason,’ and ‘why are you so upset?’. I totally get it. Regardless of where you are in a pregnancy, a loss is a loss. Even when you are trying to conceive, getting your period is a loss- a loss of what you hoped for. You are entitled to feel how you feel. You’ve lost your babies and it absolutely sucks and there’s no pain in the world like it. If you need time away from your pregnant friend- take it. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do to survive the grief. I wish for happier days ahead, and I’ll be thinking of you x.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! People really don’t understand and all these things they say just make us feel worse. I’m so sorry for your loss, it must be so difficult for you.
      I really have a hard time being around my friend now and at the same time I really need her.. It just sucks.
      Thank you so much for your support!

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  2. Im so sorry that people have downplayed your losses. Thats so sad and must be so hard to swallow. I think you have every right to feel how u do about it. Dreams can be a powerful thing. I had several vivid ones like this a few months ago, also about my good friend who is quite fertile, got pregnant with me my last pregnancy, but continued her pregnancy when I did not. Its tough, but I am glad u are trying to work through your subconsious as best u can.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks. How did you handle the situation with your friend? Do you manage to keep seeing each other? I find it so hard to be around her now, I can’t help but think about how my pregnancy would be, remember my baby, etc. And we don’t act normally, it’s like there are two elephants in the room, her baby and mine… I hope I can learn to deal with it better with time.

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  3. I feel the same way you do about my early losses “not counting”. They were so very real to me and I feel like people don’t acknowledge them for what they are to me. I’m so sorry you feel the same way. They are very real and very much loved. Hugs to you.

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  4. I too had a TFMR, and I assure you no offense was taken. I have had five losses total but after the first two I lost a good friend for trying to tell me that there was never any baby and that what I was grieving was a miscarriage “but not a baby.” It’s infuriating, and it’s no wonder that women who suffer loss isolate ourselves. I also experienced a good friend at work continue with her baby through a safe delivery, while I lost mine. It’s just so hard. the only reason that we were able to remain close friends (she actually drove me home from my D&E from that miscarriage) was because we were brutally honest with each other. She shared how uncomfortable she was discussing her pregnancy with me, and I shared with her that absolutely, she was a walking trigger. Somehow though, we were able to remain close friends. I think it’s because she always acknowledged my losses, and never diminished my grief. In fact she later shared that only once she was pregnant, did she recognize the devastation she would feel should she lose her baby.
    So many hugs to you – it sounds like an awful dream, but it is so clear that your grief has not been acknowledged by people around you, like so many of us.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much for sharing and I’m so sorry for your losses.
      I think I need to to have such an honest talk with my friend if we want to remain close through this. Ignoring our situations is certainly not working.
      I struggle with the lack of recognition for my losses, maybe due to being early, so I really appreciate your kind words of support.

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  5. I agree with your interpretation of that horrible dream. I have unsettling dreams and have since we started having losses too but more so recently so I really empathize. As for your dream when I read your description my though before I read what you write about its meaning to you was that you are grieving not only your lost children but the lack of empathy you have been shown by caregivers, family, friends about your miscarriages. It also made me think how alienating it is to have very fertile family as you wrote about recently and how hard it is to be alone with your grief while they are so fortunate. I never thought it was a wish for bad fortune upon your friend and her husband. I’m sorry you’re struggling and that this has been so very hard on you.

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  6. For me, I’m trying to give myself permission to feel however I feel and accept it without judging myself. I have friends and family surrounding me all the time having babies one after the other. I am so incredibly happy for them, but it also breaks my heart because their joy is such an in-my- face reminder of my dearest dream that I can’t seem to reach. Seeing them makes me so sad sometimes. I definitely haven’t been able to attend baby showers. I hope my friends understand. I know that’s what I’ve needed to do for me. I try to still be caring and supportive, but there are times that are just too painful for me. I hope they understand, but it’s also okay if they don’t. They’ve never walked in my shoes. What matters is that I take care of myself. I don’t know if that’s right, but that’s been my approach. What you’re going through is so hard. Your loss is real and So is the grief.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for sharing. I agree with you, we need to take for ourselves, no one else will do it for us.
      It’s so hard to be around my pregnant friends at times, or to hear them talk about their babies. But at some point I need to find a way to live with it or I’ll isolate myself completely and that too would be painful. I hope we both can find a good balance, eventually.

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