(Un)expected answer

It’s been a tough week. I so wish I had nice or fun things to blog about, but it’s just not this kind of week. And I need to get it out of my chest.

I’ve been participating on a workshop since Monday, with 20+ other engineers from 3 different centres (countries) and different areas. I’m the only woman and the youngest in the group (most are at least 15 years older than I). Is that statement supposed to make me feel accomplished or proud? All I feel is like I don’t belong, alienated. It’s hard.

Today was the worse day work-wise. I had a terrible meeting during the morning. I had to suck it up hearing wrongful, hurtful comments that made me feel humiliated. At that moment I realised how much I’m unsatisfied with my job and how it’s contributing to my feelings of sadness and low energy. I used to love my work, where did that go?

The afternoon went better, we concluded the workshop and I left for the weekend, to relax and maybe think about what I want for my future, for my career. However, at home a letter was waiting for me. The answer from the RE I’ve been waiting for since Tuesday.

On Monday morning I called the fertility clinic as planned. I talked to a nurse and asked about my appointment and whether it could be advanced. The nurse discussed it with the RE and came back with the answer that it was a mistake, there’s no need for an appointment since my results are all normal and I should call them when I have my period so we can do a frozen embryo transfer cycle. That really pissed me off, I tried to argue that I’d like to discuss the results but she kept insisting there’s nothing to talk about, it’s all fine, call when you want to get pregnant again.

In the evening, my husband and I talked about it and concluded what we really wanted from that appointment was the referral to the specialist. So we decided, if she’s not willing to see us, to write her an email asking for the referral. And so we wrote very politely requesting it.

Today we received the answer. I was expecting her to maybe claim it isn’t her responsibility and we should ask our GP. I wasn’t expecting her to be so dismissive. Here’s a free translation of the letter (it’s written in the local language, so I can’t just copy it here):

Dear Recurrently Unlucky,

Thanks for your letter.

You have requested that we make you a referral to [name of the RPL specialist clinic] for treatment of recurrent miscarriage. Unfortunately I can’t do so.

The Fertility Clinic [name of the clinic] doesn’t make any referrals to [name of the RPL specialist clinic]. It’s believed that the treatments offered by [RPL specialist clinic] are too expensive and success rates are very low.

Couples with recurrent miscarriage often have normal blood test results. We don’t offer any other treatment options in our clinic besides trying to achieve pregnancy again. At often times, a pregnancy will eventually continue to term.

Best regards,

[Doctor’s name and signature]

It’s infuriating! How can they decide something like that? We fulfil the criteria for a referral, so there shouldn’t be any other question. If the treatments are expensive and inefficient why are they offered in the first place? They should simply close down the RPL clinic then. 

I’m so disappointed, angry, sad, worn out, I can’t even begin to describe it! My husband is even more so!

My last resort is my GP. I have an appointment on Thursday. I’ll ask her for the referral. If she denies it too, I’m going overseas. I will not, cannot, just try again! 


25 thoughts on “(Un)expected answer

    • I couldn’t believe it either! I’m hoping my GP is more understanding, but I don’t know… I don’t get the health system here. If they have the rules and I qualify how can they still deny it? Sometimes I wish I’d pay less taxes and have private care, then at least I’d have some control over my care, but there even are no private options here, only abroad..


  1. I’m so sorry.. I cannot believe they won’t give you a referral either. There is nothing worse than having to be your own advocate in all of this on top of everything else. Hoping you get a caring dr. soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. We got caught in a similar loop – trying to prove there was something wrong. I eventually pushed for embryo donation after my last miscarriage, I was too worn down to try with our sperm and eggs anymore and risk another loss. So I understand that frustration you’re feeling, wish you could get answers.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good grief. This feels so familiar. I’m really sorry. I hope your GP is more sensible. Have you tried contacting the RPL clinic to ask if they know any doctors who give referrals and see if you can get an appointment with one of those doctors? I would encourage you to reach out and explain your situation to them and see if they have any recommendations. Do you want me to ask on the F.B group I mentioned in our emails? Ugh. I’m sorry this is so hard on and for you. I’ve faced uncooperative doctors too and it is so exhausting and dehumanizing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, it’s so hard, it seems nothing can be easy… I really like your suggestion, I think I’ll call the RPL clinic directly and see what they’d recommend regarding the referral. My GP has been nice before, I’m really counting on her, have high hopes it’ll work out.
      I’ve also sent you a fb request (finally), would really appreciate if you can add me to the group, then it’s less trouble for you.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so sorry for you! This sounds very hurtful and frustrating. I really hope that your GP will be able to give you the referral you need. It is such a shame that you have to fight for this. Previously I have been unhappy with a clinic that I was with and eventually I switched – and I’m so glad I did. If you feel that your RE (and the clinic) are not giving you the personalised care that you deserve, is there the possibility of going elsewhere? I know this is not always possible so I hope I’m not asking an insensitive question. Best wishes in getting to see an RPL specialist soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I’d love to change, but this clinic is the only one we can go to in the public health system (in our region). We already travel 1.5 h each way for every appointment, changing to another region would be even less practical and I’m not sure the care would be better (I think a lot of the attitude issues are related to the treatment being offered by the public system). It’s even more difficult to advocate for ourselves in this case, I think. But we’re considering changing to a private clinic and start paying for the treatments ourselves, if the situation doesn’t improve. Hopefully our GP will just write the referral and we can work it out without the extra financial burden.


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