Friday was our 5 years wedding anniversary. We’ve both been having a hard time and needed a little escape from reality. We needed to be the couple we once were, before trying to have a baby. We needed to not think about painful memories and how to move forward. We needed to have some fun.
We left work early on Friday and drove the 3 hours to Copenhagen. My husband loves craft beer and I’d read about this bar which was supposed to have the best beer in the country, Mikkeler. That was our first stop. It was packed but we managed to find a table. We had a few beers and a few snacks, we talked and we laughed. It was nice to make this treat for him. I wanted to go to Tivoli see the Christmas lights but there’s not enough time (and money) for all.
After the beers we went to this nice steak place to have dinner. I love a good steak (sorry for any vegans out there) and this place really knows how to make them. We had a good time, then left to the hotel.
On Saturday morning we went Christmas shopping and visited a couple of markets around the city centre. After a quick lunch we checked in at our special treat, an old palace turned hotel. It started snowing heavily (which is quite uncommon this time of the year), but it didn’t matter because we had the spa and a massage waiting for us. In the evening we had a gourmet 4 courses dinner with paired wine menu, of which I had too much. We made jokes and talked and had a wonderful time.
However I still woke up in the middle of the night and spent several hours in bed, staring at the ceiling. I wanted to be happy, I laughed and enjoyed our time together. I tried my best. Why couldn’t I just sleep through the night?
Sunday morning we visited Louisiana’s museum of modern art and later we went to the cinema and drove back home. Busy weekend, I tried to pack in all the things I miss on a big city, everything I used to enjoy.
We tried to escape, but I couldn’t avoid thinking of us living childless. Imagining this could be, might be, our lives. Not the house with a big backyard in a quiet town as we had planned, but a small apartment in a big metropolis full with fun and noise. Not the laughter of children running around the house, but the laughter of friends at a pub or restaurant. Not the strolls at the beach or the children’s park, but art museums and exhibitions. Not the kids friendly trips with too many breaks and little rest, but my crazy overly scheduled travels around the world. It could be OK. We could be OK.
I look at my husband and say, let’s move here, let’s move somewhere else, another city, another country, anywhere. He looks back at me with sad eyes, have you given up yet?, and I know that’s not the life we chose, because that’s not the life we want. It might, nevertheless, be the life we get to have. But not yet. So I tell him, no, not yet.