Declaration of love

My husband is not the most romantic kind of guy. Buying flowers or writing love poems doesn’t come naturally to him. He never even made the big wedding proposal. I always knew that’s who he is, and I love him as he is, so it’s not a problem for me.

On our wedding ceremony, we were expecting that during the exchange of rings we were going to repeat after the officiant, so we didn’t prepare anything. When the moment actually came, he asked us to say our vows. Both my husband and I froze at the moment; we had to improvise and come up with something at the spot. He said a simple “I love you so much”, which he could barely pronounce as he started to tear up. It meant everything to me; even though he didn’t say much, I could see it all in his eyes. That moment is what most people remember best from our wedding. It was truly emotional and beautiful.

He’s maybe not the most romantic guy out there, but he’s amazing with kids. Every kid, of any age, loves him. He just have a way with them, I can’t explain. I used to love watching him play with our friends’ or my siblings’ children. Now, it breaks my heart. I know that being a father is his biggest desire and it kills me that I can’t do this for him.

Lately he’s been having a hard time coping. As his optimism failed, he now has to find something else to hold on to. He started seeing a therapist to help him through it.

The other day, when I arrived home from work, he was in bed, reading. I lay down with him and we started talking. He was saying how he’s been feeling sad and that he thinks only now he’s started to allow himself to grieve all our losses, not only our babies, but our dreams and ideas of the future. He also told me the psychologist had suggested that he tries to imagine how can our life be if the treatments don’t succeed.

We’re talking about this when he said: I love you and I want to be with you even if we can’t have children. I didn’t marry you only for having children, I married you to be with you. I was very glad he said that, and replied: I know, I feel the same, but when we married we expected children, we both wanted children and agreed to have children. His answer was the best declaration of love I could ever wish for at this moment in our lives: I would still have married you even if I knew beforehand that we couldn’t have children together. Tears started rolling down my face, we hugged and cried together for a little while. 

These simple words may be taken for granted by others not struggling so much to carry a baby to term, or if I didn’t blame myself and my body for this failure. Right now, however, it means the world to me. It means we will manage to be ok, no matter what the future brings. Together.

Picture of us made by a manga artist in Kyoto.


18 thoughts on “Declaration of love

  1. I’m tearing up as I read this (like everyone else it seems). I just found your blog and am so saddened to read of all of your losses. I hope you find strength in the online loss community. One of the hardest things for me after I was told I would likely never have a child was feeling as though I was disappointing my husband. On top of all of the other emotions, that guilt and sadness can be overwhelming. So glad your husband is such a thoughtful man.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words. You’re right, disappointing my husband would probably be more painful than accepting not having children. The online community has been wonderful and so helpful. Hope 2016 will be a great year to all of us.


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