Hormonally charged

I’m sitting at the toilet in my office, tears rolling down my face. This scene has repeated itself so many times before, it’s gotten old. Today, though, I don’t feel depressed or grief-stricken or frustrated or even sad. But I’ve been feeling like crying all the time. Having a really hard time holding these tears back. So I’m blaming estrogen for it. All 12 mg daily of it. I’m also blaming it for the constant nausea, cramps and copious amounts of CM.

I’ve become obsessed and been listening non-stop to this 80’s rock band songs. I haven’t listened to it for at least 10 years or so. The lyrics have a complete new meaning to me now, in light of the last years experiences. The sadness, longing and confusion I earlier associated with teenager’s broken hearts are now so much deeper and more meaningful. And makes me want to cry.

This FET has been a lot more challenging than I anticipated. Hurdles that I need to handle showing up almost at a daily basis. I thought I could get a break this time. It should be simple; I now had a plan, a doctor, a treatment protocol. Buy the medicines, use them at the right times: simple. I should have known nothing is that simple when infertility treatments are involved. Between coordinating several doctors in different parts of the world, contacting pharmacies all over Europe trying to get the best possible price for the (extremely) expensive medicine, travels, work, post delays… I just want this to be over as soon as possible.

I thought last Sunday I would be approaching the end. I could see the light in the end of the tunnel. I’d have my lining check, get the date for the transfer, be excited. Instead, my lining is too thin, they said. Nice and trilaminar, but too thin: only 5 mm after 14 days of estrogen supplementation. That’s when the double estrogen dose entered and should be continued at least until Monday, when they will reassess it. No transfer unless the lining gets above 8 mm.

I handled the news surprisingly well. I guess I’m callous enough by now. The thoughts going through my mind were: “never had lining issues before, but with my kind of luck this will become a new problem going forward. Oh, well, nothing I can do about it now… hope they allow me to try again as soon as I bleed if they cancel this cycle, I don’t want to miss my friend’s wedding in Spain in October!”.

At work my tasks are pilling up, I’m delayed in the project’s schedule and feel bad about it. But when I’m sitting in front of my PC and things are not working, I’m simply not able to come up with a solution. I even tried to write a simple report instead, but couldn’t even muster two intelligible sentences (not sure about this post either). It’s hopeless, I just wish I could fast forward to Friday afternoon, drive to Poland to get the cheaper medicine (1/6 of the price!), drive back, have my appointment Monday morning and figure out whether there will be a transfer this month or not. I also have my third Intralipid infusion scheduled to Monday afternoon, which I need to cancel if the FET is not going forward.

Ugh, I feel like a huge hormonal mess… Just hoping I won’t stay at this dose for much longer…