Everything’s fine

 

Atacama desert, Chile. If even the driest place on Earth can bloom with some rain, won’t by barren womb nourish a baby to term with the right help?

 
During our last appointment with the RE, when our baby was confirmed dead, my husband and I had our blood drawn for RPL panel testing. We have an appointment with the RE to discuss the results on December 15 (and hopefully get a referral to the only Reproductive Immunologist in the country). 

However, the results are already in and available online, on the health system website. This is what I can see:

• Beta 2-glycoprotein 1 Ab IgG: 2000 e/L (ref.: below 10000)
• Beta 2-glycoprotein 1 Ab IgM: 2000 e/L (ref.: below 6000)
• Cardiolipin Ab IgG: below 1000 IU/L (ref.: below 10000)
• Cardiolipin Ab IgM: below 1000 IU/L (ref.: below 10000)
• C-reactive protein: 1.8 mg/L (ref.: below 6)
• Coagulation factors II, VII, X: 0.87 (ref.: 0.70 – 1.30)
• Karyotype: normal (both mine and my husband’s)
• Lupus anticoagulant: 0 (ref.: 0)
• Prolactin: 21 ug/L (ref.: 2 – 23)
• Anti-thyroglobulin Ab: 1.1 IU/L (ref.: below 0.7)
• Thyroidperoxidase Ab: 8000 IU/L (ref.: below 11000)
• Thyrotropin (TSH): 1.9 mIU/L (ref.: 0.3 – 4.0)

I was very surprised about the anti-Tg result. My thyroid levels has always been normal and I’ve done this test before in January, after the third loss, and results were normal. This sparked many questions on my mind:

• Could this result alone explain our losses?
• Does it mean my metabolism is not able to handle pregnancy or is it an indication that my immune system is overly active?
• Are these results even ‘abnormal’ enough to mean anything?
• What would possible treatments be? Thyroid medicine or something else to calm down my immune system?
• Were the results abnormal this time because I was still technically pregnant (though the baby was dead) when the test was run, or is it because my immune system is becoming more aggressive at every pregnancy?
• Is this a new clue or the answer we have been looking for??

I can’t really compare the two results, from January and October, because it seems the test methods are different. My result from earlier was: below 1.0 IU/ml (ref.: below 4.11 IU/ml). 

All these questions dissipated when I received an email from the RE. It was very short, simpling stating: all results are back and are all normal. In other words, everything is fine, it’s just bad luck, just try again.

I’m not sure what to do with this. I can’t hear it’s just bad luck any longer. I need answers. I need solutions. I need a plan that consists of more than just try again. I’ve played in this casino for too long now, I need to know my real odds, I’m tired of playing blindly.

I’ve done everything doctors have asked of me. With my other losses, they insisted I was not a ‘recurrent miscarrier’ because I hadn’t lost enough babies to qualify. They blamed my egg quality and recommended IVF. I followed through and after very good fertilisation rates and 6 high grade blastocysts and another loss, they’re running out of excuses. Though they keep insisting everything’s fine. Fine to whom?? 

I’ll call the fertility clinic Monday morning and try to reschedule the appointment to this month. Then I’ll push for that referral. They can’t say no, I fulfill every criteria of their own stupid rules. I’ll keep fighting for an answer because there’s nothing else I can do. 

I can’t just try again, when I have no reason to expect a different outcome for my babies and I can’t keep being responsible for their deaths. It’s weighting on my conscious, not the RE’s. So everything’s NOT fine.